Explanations

It’s 5:15 AM EST in Northeast Florida August 22nd, 2008. Do you know where your mind is?

Well, mine is on a song or two and the fact there is a tropical storm camped over this area that has been dumping wheel barrels full of rain and 50 mile an hour gusts of wind for a day and a half and I’m thanking God I still have electricity because my laptops battery pack doesn’t work and my gas grill doesn’t work although I have a full tank of propane.

As a matter of fact my laptop hasn’t worked right for a week or so. I’ve got so many viruses on it that it has livs…laptop infected virus syndrome. Yes, at times it has a mind of its’ own. I can’t control what it does, it just does it.

In a way that explains the last three years of my life. This is about the time three years ago that I started having life changing episodes occur that affected my family, friends and faith.

My family and friends are exasperated with helping me when these “episodes” cause hardships for me. My family and friends are hoping that I will get back on my feet (again), find steady work, live a normal life, and play a productive part in society. I agree with that and can think of no other useful goal than that for myself.

It is a grand goal that will be hard to accomplish. I am two months behind in all my bills to the tune of three thousand dollars or so. I do not have a job. My car is not drivable and my truck is barely drivable with various items in need of repair and only a quarter tank of gas. I have $65 to my name at this point with one job interview on Monday.

But I have hope. At least I have a roof over my head, electricity and water (for now), and food in the refrigerator. I have a good friend who has been with me thru a lot and to be honest I don’t know why she still cares for me or even spends any time with me. But she does and for that I am most grateful. Being totally alone thru a lot of this would have been incredibly difficult if not impossible. I must say my sister and my son have played a huge part in keeping me going and realizing that no matter how low or high I got they loved me and were always there for me and pulling for me to “recover”. Out of all the friends I’ve had and lost there are two that have been there at times too. They’ve tried to understand me and console me on the occasional outings we’ve had as they have also had their highs and lows thru their lives. Thanks you guys I love you endlessly and eternally and my deepest wish is to repay all of you in some way, but most of all by meeting the before mentioned goal to stabilize my life.

But what all of you must know is that over the past three years I have had major uplifting moments and also huge strains put on my faith. When the highs hit me I’m a free spirit absorbing the world around me, creating, doing and saying things I never thought possible. And when the lows grab me I feel all is lost and that I have been deserted by the graces I once felt drive me. But always, always I have returned to that faith for it is not just faith in yourself or your family and friends, but faith in something larger at work that protects you when you do the outlandish, guides you when you feel lost, consoles you when you feel depressed, pushes you to the next chapter of your life and opens doors of understanding previously hidden and locked.

As I started I have two songs in my head. One is “Green Grass and High Tides” by the Outlaws of Tampa, Florida and the other is “Tick Tock” by Stevie Ray Vaughn of Austin, Texas. Both of these songs speak to me in mystical ways that I can not describe. Listen to them; I hope you feel the same “magic” in them as I do. And if not listen again, it will come to you if you desire for it.

All my love…Bryan ...:}…

In His Majesties Service:

Psalm 27, Luke 13, Job 10, 1st Samuel 4, Luke 14, Revelations 6
The Book of Malachi
Amen