The A List

I have spent a good portion of my days in a depressed mood. Understanding and coping with these negative thoughts and turning yourself to the positive is a major step in your development as a whole person and an enlightened spirit. I wrote this next item in March of this year when I was in a major state of depression. It speaks for itself, but please read it thru because the ending speaks to the positive side of life and how you need to put the negative thoughts behind you and start a new journey of enjoying the good in and all around you.

On this anniverary of 9-11 place yourself in the shoes of those who suffered such a loss directly. And then look at the positves the majority of these sufferers have accomplished.

God continue to bless our troops and our great country that You have provided for us. Comfort those who suffered a loss and hold the souls of these warriors close at hand. For one day we know we will all share at your table together and as one in the Eye of our Creator. Amen.

"The A List"

March 2008:

I have not written in a while. Sorry bout that. I have actually deleted far more than I have even thought about writing, in the past few weeks.

But, there was a dramatic change in my life. It actually started some time ago, but had its’ climax this past 2 weeks. You see where once I had:

A son I could play golf and fish with now I have a son who is worried and scared of me.
A good friend to share music with now I have lied to.
A good lady friend to share with now has seen a part of me she can’t continue to be with.
A sons mother who I deeply respect now blames me for our sons concerns and rightly so.
A loving sister now concerned for me again.
A caring mother now confused on what to do.
A professional uncle now distant from me.
A good friend to hunt with now I haven’t seen for months.
A group of respected business men now think I’m a loser.
A loving dog comfortable at home now confused of her surroundings.
A loving cat now runs from here the first step in.
A new cat getting used to the old home now confined to an unknown room.
A good job with a good company now won’t have me again.
A nice truck now scratched and dented.
A comfortable house now I sit in squalor.
A TV with cable in every room now I use the antennae.
A peaceful and quiet neighborhood now constant noise of traffic.
A street address I could call my own now I don’t know where I am.
A house all organized now boxes of shattered dreams
A clean record now tarnished with stupid deeds.
A budget I could manage now lost in confusion.
A full kitchen and grill now a sink and microwave.
A laundry room now I go to the laundromat.
A relationship with my peers now they question my every move.
A gift to do things sometimes magic now seems like illusions in my mind.
A computer desk with many pieces now I sit on the floor and look at the mess.
A deep relationship with harmony now seems like cluttered noise.
A good friend and neighbor now thinks I’ve truly lost my mind.
A relationship with the church now I haven’t been in weeks.
A want to write and express now a useless gesture.
A want to be clean and presentable now I don’t really care.
A deep respect for nature now it seems to just be there.
A system of doing things now I don’t know where to start.
A love for fine things and art now it all looks the same.
A nice bathroom and shower now a polluted vesture of germs.
A respectable bank account now close to gone.
A fish in an aquarium now lives in a bucket.
A dresser mirror to look in now a broken face to the wall.
A list of things so long to do now I can’t begin to start.
A wish to do well and be proud now seems like a frivolous hell.
A photo book of memories now cast in the well.
A back door to my backyard now I walk the dog in the rain.
A list of priorities now there seems to be only one.
A respectable body weight of 190lbs now I’m at maybe 165.
A hunger for food that had me eat at least twice a day now I eat maybe once.
A habit of six hours sleep a day now I sleep all day.
A list of A’s that could go on and on now I’ll get to the good news.

You see no matter how hard it hurts and how much I lose I will always have:

An understanding of more to life than shifting sand.
An oracle with my Lord and peace with God.
An idea to change the things I’ve done into a better life to spend.
An everlasting desire to help my fellow man.
An adventurous spirit that will rise again.

I don’t know where this story will end, but the first thing I must do is get back in my house again. That will be the start of eliminating the A list, and enhancing the An list.

For two years I have been on this roller coaster. I can’t begin to tell you the peaks of emotion and adrenaline I’ve had. But for every 10 good things I’ve done, I’ve made at least one bad one. Those hurt the worst and what are remembered again and again. I am guilty of thinking I was someone better than who I really am. That is the hardest thing to overcome. One day you can do no wrong, the next you’re brought back to earth again.

What does it feel like to be depressed and alone? Well look at the A list above and you’ll have some idea. What does it feel like to be in harmony with life? Well look at the An list and you’ll get the idea.

Where would you rather be? Pretty simple answer, don’t you agree?

I am at the lowest ever I can think of in my life. The last time I was in depression it was over a now ex-wife and step daughter. Now it is much worse than that.
I have alienated those who stood with me then, now they say here he goes again.
I can not fix the A list without a home I’m comfortable in. If you can’t eat, sleep, relax or think comfortably you will never be in any frame of mind to do good things.

Today I stop and get my life back together again. No matter how hard it hurts and how much I lose, I will always have my faith, my family, and my friends.

Thank you for reading one mans diatribe.
God Bless and the Lords Love to you always
Bryan Stross March 8th 2008 4:30 AM thru 6:30 AM
Acts Chapter 15: 8-11