Bipolar Disorder and You

Ever have a dream of yours come true, only to realize all along it was a nightmare?
Well, you’re not alone.
My name is Bryan; I’m 47 years old and have bipolar disorder.
It is in my opinion not a disease; it is perhaps as many experts believe a genetic imbalance in the brain.
Or, a chemical imbalance manifested over time and influenced by your environment, habits, diet, stress, and beliefs.
For some people it is a gift that they have learned to control and thrive with.
For others it is a debilitating curse they can’t control or understand.

So, you’re wondering why I’m writing about this?
I recently came to the realization I have had the symptoms of bipolar since I was 19 years old. It has affected me several different times thru my life so far. Each time there were certain circumstances that triggered it. Each time my reactions to it were similar. Each time it was progressively worse, and each time my symptoms lasted progressively longer.
I now realize that there are millions of people with this disorder. Yes, I said millions.
I am convinced that more than half the people in jail and mental institutions have or had bipolar symptoms that caused them to act or react, landing them in jail or an institution.
I am also convinced that half the entertainers and musicians out there have experienced bipolar symptoms. It is how they deal with it that separates them.
That is a pretty loaded statement when you think about it. I am not trying to justify my disorder by stating that many others suffer from it. I’m merely saying that the classic symptoms of bipolar are evident in many people you come in contact with everyday.

That being said, a little history is in order. In 1980 when I first experienced this the term bipolar wasn’t used to describe this condition. People suffered from depression, or manic depression, or were schizophrenic, or had some sort of personality disorder. Bipolar describes this condition rather well in the fact that the symptoms can range from extremely high feelings of self worth, and charisma, to extremely low feelings of worthlessness and suicide. Most sufferers experience this range of emotions and attitude over a period of time that can last from weeks, to years. Some reach one level or the other and their brain snaps, and they never recover to a normal state. Worse yet is they act out in some manner that causes their death or someone else’s. That is the problem I have with the term bipolar today. It has gone from never being used in 1980, to being too widely used today to describe uncharacteristic behavior. Unless a person has experienced the highs and lows in succession they are not bipolar. Some people are naturally low in their attitudes and others are naturally positive. Those that go from one extreme to the other resulting in the classic symptoms are bipolar.

Now think about yourself, in any given day you wake up and feel pretty good. You go to work and you find out some bad news of some kind and you get a little bummed about it. A few hours later you get some good news and it picks you back up. Then you get some more good news and now you’re really feeling good. These are all normal ups and downs in everyday life. What separates the bipolar person is they process this information differently and it results in a longer low and a higher high.


Things that happen to us coincidently are perhaps signs from above to someone who is in a bipolar state. Simple tasks take on magical significance in a bipolar state. And every day problems become unmanageable obstacles.

That’s the dream I speak about, that suddenly turns to a nightmare. When all else is said and done, you’re left with normalcy, at least I hope so. That is the nightmare; you go from feelings of mystical significance, to feelings of helplessness. I know it may be hard to understand, but look at it this way for a second. You’re playing center field on a baseball team. The batter hits a shot that you run as hard as you can for, dive on the ground and stretch out your glove and make the best catch of your life. You feel so good your adrenalin is pumping like never before. Congratulations and pats on the back await you in the dugout after the inning is over. You’re thinking at that moment you’re better than you thought that maybe you can move up to the next level, this is your dream. Next inning a routine pop up is hit to you and it bounces off the heel of your glove and you drop it. It is then you realize you’re just an average every day center fielder that sometimes makes a great catch, and sometimes drops a pop up. Your dream is now a nightmare of sorts because you realize you are not the center fielder you thought you were. So you have two choices, live with your nightmare, or work hard to realize your dream. Hopefully along the way you realize the nightmare really isn’t too bad, after all you are able to play the game, your healthy enough, a real nightmare would be breaking your neck and not being able to play at all. A real nightmare would be being confined in an institution watching foreign TV channels. A real nightmare would be losing the ability to share your thoughts and dreams with others in an intellectual manner because your mind is to scrambled from the drugs you’re on. No, realizing you’re just an every day guy isn’t a nightmare, but it is humbling to go from delusions of grandor to realizations of normalcy.

I may never be a celebrated writer, or a rock star, or a race car driver, or a great golfer, or a fantastic baseball player, or a leader and healer, or any number of other things I acted out in my manic stages of years gone by. But now these feelings of accomplishment are constant and the Lord has finally showed me and granted me the ability to control my emotions. To check myself when I get too out there and to wipe the tears from my eyes as soon as possible and move on. I have something many others that have had this disorder don’t have. My sanity and my life, and I thank God, and my family and friends for that.

Well enough for now, I have to feed my animals and clean up this nasty house.
Keep the Faith; it’s often all we have.

September 3rd, YO.L. 2008 8:45 AM EST

P.S Attila the Hun was bipolar and was poisoned for useless gain.
Samson was bipolar and they thought it was his hair that gave him strength.
Joan of Arc was bipolar and was burned at the stake for her actions.
…..And the list goes on and on into today’s’ world all around and in you. …:}…