I'm going to share a piece of my life with you that only a handful of people know...and half of them are dead. It's a love story, that taught me a hard lesson of life...that I can never forget.
She drove a baby-blue Dodge Dart and was a sophomore at the University of Texas in Austin studying ancient archeology...I was working as a home security technician for Master Burglar Alarm Company...the oldest, most trusted & known residential & commercial security company in Austin at the time, which was around 1983.
We met at a party of about twenty folks. We were both generally shy & reserved, but as the night progressed, I couldn't get her off my mind & I noticed a few casts of curiosity from her as well. So, before the night could end, I asked her name & small talk ensued. It was like talking to an angel for me...she was young, beautiful, smart, well spoken, clear eyed...and beautiful...twice over even. I was smitten & there was no quitin til I got her number, which required paper & pen back then.
A few days later we had our first date. It was around the time episode six of Star Wars, the third movie, "Return of the Jedi" was being released. The line was wrapped around the building & was not moving along at all. About 40 folks deep into a line of 100’s I thought I seen someone I knew with his date...we cut in behind them & I acted like I knew them, which turned out I didn't. No matter, we had our spot in line to the chagrin of the folks left behind, but no one stepped up or out, so down & in we went.
Over the course of about a year or more our love grew. It was my first real experience with this emotion. Having been with a few ladies thru the years I was no stranger to lusts desires, but romance is different. Romance involves respect & caring, lustful desires have little of this type of sharing.
I lived with a room-mate in a two-bedroom apartment. She had a house her folks bought in town for her & her brother to stay in while she went to college. They were from Wimberly, Texas and I happened to visit her childhood home & property a couple times. One such visit I remember we went on a long walk in the forest area. The Austin area of Texas still has rolling hills, oaks & streams. Don't think of our walk as if we were in the flat southwestern dry & desolate areas of Texas...oh no, we were in the fertile eastern half of Texas, just north enough with lands of green trees and birds singing, of deer running and steers charging. It was a special time in my life and hers too. I had an old motorcycle & we would often go on rides thru the hill country. I was living a dream, with nary a nightmare.
On one of those rides in the hill country we found a stream and watched as the water flowed over the rocks creating a perfect worn-out area to lay back & relax. It was a stream recliner couch...made from a timeless worn-out stone. There's no telling how many years it took for Mother Nature to create this slumber chamber, a million perhaps, who knows. It was the only time we ever visited that special place, but the memory of the nights magic under the stars with the water flowing over our shoulders as we made love as nature intended, with caring and respect, is a memory no one could forget, unless you're as cold as that million-year-old stone.
As the months passed our love grew stronger & my lease was coming due. We briefly discussed it a few weeks earlier & I dunno I guess I kinda figured it was a given I would move in with her when the time came. Especially after I noticed her fixing up the place. She painted her room & her brother did some stuff with the kitchen if I remember. Life was great, bills were paid, she was doing good in school & the weather was mostly perfect. Back then we had the cliffs on the Colorado River to jump off of, it was like 60 feet with all sorts of other things to do & nature to explore. We were young & happy. I was playing softball & took up Ultimate Frisbee. A sport I was unfamiliar with, but her brother & his buddies exceled at it. Back then it was an underground sport, there was enough local & regional interest to field six or so teams. It was a fast sport...I was 22 years old & could throw a frisbee...several ways. So, not only was I enjoying the first real love of my life, I was also bonding with people I never knew a couple years prior & the competition was fabulous on the Softball & Ultimate Fields.
But...it was a competition of another sort that I was introduced to that soon became a rekindled love.
I grew up without a father. My mother married when I was around 11 or so. But, I had a young boys vision of what a father was & well I’ll just say that vision was never realized. I had been fishing a few times before that marriage, but not again til after my Navy days. So as you guess, he wasn’t very outdoorsy. Hunting wasn’t even a thought, til I met Junior…in Austin, Texas.
Junior, was a man’s man. He was in his early thirties, drove a pick up with a loaded Winchester lever action in the gun rack, among other things. He wasn’t really a fisherman, didn’t need to be, got all he needed from critters in the forest…if he wanted too. His girlfriend was friends with the lady I first room-mated with in Austin, that’s how Junior & I met. Junior introduced me to the sport of hunting, from a survivalists perspective. Yeah, think about what I just said there. Puts a whole different spin on hunting if you ask me. Junior would skin & process a deer & hardly anything would go to waste…& that he gave to his dog or the pigs. He would tan the hides or give them to someone who would. He had friends that would even use the bones & teeth to make crafts with. I have several stories involving Junior & to this day I am so grateful I met him & his Elvis loving self. He wasn’t a marksman…he was a sniper, that could track a boll weevil on a tiled floor. But if that didn’t work, he’d throw a rock at you. But...I never seen him miss.
To be continued...I promise. 🐝
Well...I lied. Sorry Lord for that. But priorities change, and computers are just stupid machines. I woke up this morning at 3:30 AM with the intent to finish this story. It's now almost 5:30 AM and the past two hours of writing is lost. That's because after spending 2 hours almost finishing it, I had ignored the low battery signal, the computer died & since I'm typing directly into the blog...none of it was saved. The rest of the story, that I wrote this morning....is gone. But the memories remain of how our relationship ended. Memories that have haunted me for almost 40 years...but I've buried them.
I will tell the rest of this story...but in hindsight I owe it to my true first love...to hear it first. Sure, she lived it too, but after we split...we've never talked & I have no idea where she is or if she's even still alive. It was a long time ago & I have so many higher priorities to spend time on. But I will close and try to condense my two-hour thoughts to one:
She wasn’t my first love, but Judy Eason was my first true romantic love. The forest, was my first true love. Don't take this next sentence the wrong way as I am not making a direct comparison here but a reflective one. Whether you realize it or not the opening two sentences of this paragraph reflect off of the story of Adam & Eve. Here's why...God created Adam to live & prosper in His creation of Earth & all its bounty. He created Adam to survive in this new paradise. That was Adam's top earthly priority...survival. But He knew Adam would soon became lonely. God knew he would want to share this paradise with someone. So, God created Eve to provide companionship. Eve’s top earthly priority…companionship. Two dynamics, survival & compassion, together they formed one and were complete. Adam first enjoyed & loved the paradise around him...then he experienced human compassionate love. Survival & Companionship, sounds like Faith & Fellowship to me.
Judy & I did not have a church or spiritual life. To be honest, I’m not sure we ever discussed it. We were young and enjoying the bounties of Austin. Looking back, faith & fellowship would have made a difference, but it's in the past...so let it lay.
Our relationship ended when I said something I really didn't mean to say, the damn words just came out wrong. But there was no taking them back & the damage is done. The words I said were not made during an argument, we never had one. It was a comment made in a confusing time of my life...trying to separate survival from romance & have it all make sense. Coupled with my lack of experience in romance...the words & thought did not come out as intended. Here is my confession:
We woke up one morning at her house & as I laid there with my whole life ahead of me & the love of my life next to me, I said..."I'm not sure I could ever love you"... ...let that sink in a bit.
Why, why would I say such a thing? I have asked myself that question for 40 years. I have only a couple theories. It was satan destroying a good thing, as he does, or God redirecting our futures. Had I said "I love you" hers and my life would've been much different then they turned out to be. I lost all contact with her, so I hope she did well for herself...me, well I'm here telling the story.
But there is one more thought to conclude this that took me years... oh so many years...to realize. As I said this question of why I said that has haunted me ever since I said it. So much so I have prayed about it & pleaded to not ever say it again, because it's a lie. How can anyone say such a thing? The person you said it to, could be a different person tomorrow, not physically but certainly emotionally & intellectually. By making a comment of "never" you are ending a relationship, which is what happened.
So, the Lord answered my prayers. He knew my struggle, He knew my pain, He knew I didn't mean it...so He gave me this answer..."The reason you said that...is because what you felt for her...transcended your understandings of love...at the time". And that answer resonated with me.
When I said "I'm not sure if I could ever love you" it was only part of what I meant to say. I was confused & trying to express myself romantically. Here's the full content of what I meant to express:
"I'm not sure I could ever love you...because what I feel for you...is more than just love".
I always loved you Judy and always will...I'm sorry for my idiotic attempt at romance.
So, I left Austin shortly there-after having lost the first romantic love of my life, but enriching my first true love, the forest. That first romantic love is gone & in the past...but the forest is always there & I can always run to it with my Faith in front of & behind me to guide & encourage me. Nature will never leave me no matter what I say...that's true love & that's my lesson on love for today. 🐝
